


I don't want to say... (Goodbye)

by SaphirGirl



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Mob, Angst, Cancer, Gen, I cried while writing this and decided to give you the option to suffer with me, M/M, Sad, familial Anxceit, trust me - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:28:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24791608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaphirGirl/pseuds/SaphirGirl
Summary: Roman has worked for Logan for five years now. He still knows next to nothing about him except that he scares him and you really shouldn’t piss him off if you fancy living.AKA: Roman accidently meets his, very scary and dangerous, boss’s husband. A few weeks later he has to look after him while sick because his boss isn’t in town.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 10
Kudos: 83





	1. The Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> Roman has worked for Logan for five years now. He still knows next to nothing about him except that he scares him and you really shouldn’t piss him off if you fancy living.

They met at Mr. Sanders place for once. This was rare, normally Mr. Sanders, or Logos as most people knew him as, told them to meet him at one of his offices or in some factory Roman had never heard of before and probably never would afterwards.

He had originally started working for him to get his brother, Remus, out of his dept that he had amassed through drug abuse. It wasn’t... bad, the work. Of course, it wasn’t what he had expected to do with his life, working for a mob boss wasn’t really a childhood goal for most people, but he kind of likes it by now. The money is good, the colleagues alright and healthcare guaranteed. Sure, doing illegal business under the table and more than just morally gray deals with shady people isn’t exactly glamorous but it’s not worse than other job’s.

He could more than well look past this. The only truly scary thing about this is his boss. Logan ‘Logos’ Sanders is the most terrifying, ruthless man Roman had ever met. He never shows any emotions, many people claim that he simply doesn’t have any, and he is not above just simply shooting his opponent if he gets into his way. No one is safe. If you do your job then sure, nothing happens to you as he doesn’t make a habit out of punishing the people who are loyal to him, but if you betray him... nothing will save you, not having a child or a crying mother, you cross him, you die. That’s the rule.

Today Roman and another gang member go to Mr. Sanders house to discuss a potential business opportunity. Everything is going along smoothly, as is to be expected when dealing with Logos, when the front door suddenly opens and a painted noise can be heard. Neither Roman nor the other guy, what’s his name again? Patton? Remy? Thomas?, can react before Logan is already at the door. They both prepare themselves for the sound of a gun going off or the sounds of pain, but nothing of the sorts happens.

The only thing they can hear is painted groaning and near silent mumbling. Roman needs a few seconds to properly understand them but then he can hear them talking.

“What are you doing here yet? You should still be in the hospital!” That was Logan, no way to misinterpret that monotone voice, even if it was clearly laced with worry for once. Strange.

“What can I say L? They decided to release me sooner and I’m really not one to stay any longer in a hospital then I have to.” That’s the new voice, he clearly knows the boss but how? And why is he speaking so unconcerned with him? Roman spoke out of turn once, with an added grammatic error, and he was nearly shot for it! Had this unknown person a death wish?!

“Then why didn’t you inform me? I would have driven over and got you, you know that.”

“You don’t have to drop everything just to pick me up, I’m an adult. I can take care of myself.”

“Obviously not if you dropping onto the ground is anything to go by! It’s not as if I couldn’t postpone any meeting for your benefit.” The boss would actually stop his business for a single person? A strange thought, he wouldn’t even have thought that he would care enough to postpone something for the funeral of his own mother!

“Yeah, yeah I get it. Sorry if I thought that I would maybe be able to do something on my own for once.”

“It does not matter now, let’s just get you into bed.” At that there are footsteps to be heard coming towards Roman and whoever is in this room next to him. He can just vaguely make out a very thin looking person in a too big hoodie leaning heavily onto his boss. The figure looks towards him with wide, bloodshot eyes before once again focusing on the way in front of them.

They can hear Logan and the mystery man get into their bedroom and the rustling of sheets before Logan starts talking again.

“Stay here, I will make you a soup so that you may get better.”

“Don’t bother.”, “But, -”, “Please, you and I both know that I won’t be able to keep it down for long before seeing it again and I really would like to avoid that. I just want to sleep.”

“... Fine. But I’m making you a cup of green tea so that you will have at least something to fill you up.”

“How about a-”

“No coffee, we talked about this Virgil. It is not part of your designed diet. Also I’m sure that your nurse once again smuggled more than enough into your room while I wasn’t there.”

“.... Fine... But after that stupid tea I get to nap, I’m really tired.”

“Of course, starlight. I will be right back.” With that steps can be heard, the sound of hot water being prepared and the tea being served until the boss comes back into the room.

Roman chooses to remain quiet for the time, even after the door gets shut. The very much soundproof wall. His partner in the room doesn’t seem to think much of that idea.

“Who was that?” Stupid, why would you choose to ask your trigger happy, sociopath of a mafia boss such a question? Roman is still marveling about that course of action when Logan turns towards what’s his name again.

“I don’t believe this to be any of your business, now is it?” He’s giving you an out! Perfect! Take it!

“Yeah but I’m curious. You never let anyone see any emotions in you and even pretend that you don’t have any! I’m just curious about the apparent exception to that rule! The one you would be soft for.” Oh no, oh nonononono. Why would he ever say something like that!? That’s like asking for a bullet in your brain.

“You think I’ve become soft?” There it is. That dangerous voice that promised death and pain that plagued Roman’s dreams since before he started working for the man. Even the other guy, Andy? Dante? Bill?, whatever his name was began to realise the mistake he had made and tries to backpedal.

“NO! I didn’t mean it like that, I just thought it cute that you-”

“Cute?” Oh dear.

“Not cute! Adorable, no nice? Unexpected that you would-” Logan doesn’t even bother anymore to hear him out before taking out his gun and shooting the mans brains out. Ouch. Double ouch if you think about the fact that this now means that Roman and Logan are alone in the room. Not an especially enviable position. Logos turns towards him.

“And you? Do you also think that I acted ‘cute’ back there with my husband?” Holy moly that guy is married?!

“NO! No of course not. I didn’t think anything of it.” Please don’t shoot me, please, please, please, please. Logan looks at Roman for a few long minutes before turning away from the corpse and Roman himself.

“Very well, I expect you to take care of the body. That will be all for today, you may go home for the day after taking care of it.” And with that he vanishes, right through the door he came from earlier.

Roman stares at the cooling corpse for a moment before taking a deep breath, thanking his lucky stars that he is still standing and going about the process of disposing the body.


	2. The Assignment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan calls Roman from a business trip to ‘ask’ for a favor, though he really has no other option but to accept.

It’s been a few weeks since the incident, as Roman had taken to calling it, and life had returned to normal. Sure, he was still a little paranoid of his boss deciding it was too risky to let him life with the knowledge of his husband, but he was getting over that. Honest! Nothing happened until now and he hadn’t talked with anyone about the incident. Maybe they could both just pretend that that night had never happened?

It was six weeks after that fateful day that Roman got a call. Not just any call, but a call from Logan Sanders himself! Oh god, what was he to do?!

He really doesn’t want to take that call, Zeus knows what would happen if he does, but what other option does he have? If he hangs up un him then he will learn pretty quickly what his coworker felt like. So, his options are take the call and get a possible very dangerous job or don’t take it and risk being shot for disobedience.

The question isn’t all that hard in the end. That’s how he ends up on the phone with his, very scary, boss.

“Hello?”

“Salutations, is this the phone of Roman Kingsley?” Well, now or never.

“Yes, there is, how may I be of service sir?”

“I need you to do me a... personal favor.” What?!

“I’m sorry? I’m not sure I understand.”

“Huh, I am, as you perhaps have heard, on a business trip in berlin at the moment. This is taking longer than anticipated and I am in need of help in looking after my husband.”

“Looking after your husband?”

“Yes, that is what I just said, isn’t it? I will take longer on this trip than thought and feel unwell in leaving Virgil on his own while he is so vulnerable. So, I am asking you to stay with him and take care of him in the time until I come back.” It’s really rather funny how he calls it a ‘favor’ and ‘asking’ while simultaneously making sure that Roman knows exactly how horrible his fate will be if he declines the offer.

“Not to be rude, sir, but why exactly would you choose me for a task as important as looking after your husband while you’re away?”

“Simple, you are the only one of my employees that knows about his existence. If anything where to happen to him then it would definitely be because of your betrayal. And believe me when I tell you that you do not wish to cross me. Especially not with my husband involved.” Alright Roman, don’t flip out. Ignore that you are speaking to the scariest man ever for a second and take a deep breath. Don’t let him know that he gets to you! You`re an actor damn!

“Well, I would of course never dream of going against you sir! I will look after your husband better than anyone has ever looked after him before!... With you as an exception of course.” There is a long silence over the phone, as if Logan is rethinking his decision to make Roman responsible and will decide to simply kill him know before he has the chance to do something stupid.

“Good. Come to my home address at your earliest convenience. Virgil will let you in and tell you what to do. Just don’t let him send you away.”

“Alright, I will be on my way right away! Anything else I should be aware of?” In this case it would probably be better to ask too many questions for once rather than too few.

“Yes. Virgil will most likely not be very happy with your presence. Do not let that concern you, he is unwell at the moment and lashing out. It is nothing personal.” Great, so he would be staying with a sick asshole for who knows how long without even being able to complain about it afterwards? How cruel life could be...

He ends the call and makes his way towards the house of his boss. It is nothing at all like one might imagine from the home of the most influential man of the city. It looks just like any other house in this suburban part of town. Maybe that is part of his cover? Or he mayhaps just is one of those people who enjoy the simpler things in life.

Roman stops in front of the house in question and takes a few seconds for himself before going up towards the porch and ringing the doorbell.

There are a few minutes where nothing happens and he is just short of ringing anew when he can finally hear a sound from behind the door. It slowly opens and a pale man opens it.

He looks as if he hasn’t seen the sun even once in the last ten years and as if the only thing keeping him together is the monstrous blanket draped over him that threatens to swallow him whole. Roman is honestly impressed that such a bony man, Logan’s husband if he recognizes him correctly, can keep that blanket up.

He is still busy staring at the man, honestly did he somehow manage to get even paler since the last time? He looks like death personified, when said man starts glaring at him.

“What do you want?!” Wow, quite aggressive, isn’t he? Then again, Logan did mention that he was annoyed at being given a babysitter. Not that Roman could blame him, the man was more than old enough to be on his own and he himself would have found it quite demeaning to have gotten a caretaker. But never mind, it wasn’t like Roman had _wanted_ the job it was more or less forced upon him!

“Greetings my fair stranger! My name is Roman Kingsl-”

“Urgh fuck, you’re the guy L got to babysit me aren’t you?” Well...

“Not exactly the word I would use to describe my services but-”

“Oh really? And how would you describe _your services_?” Could that man stop interrupting me for a second?!

“I would call it looking after you and your needs until your beloved husband returns from his trip.”

“Yeah, no thanks. I don’t need you to do that. I can take care of myself just fine. Bye.” With that he is trying to close the door in his face! Rude. He stops it with his foot, surprisingly easily. Does he not even try to close it properly? It feels as if a small child is pushing against him.

“I am quite sorry, but I’m afraid that I can’t leave you on your own devices. Your husband was very clear on the fact that I am not allowed to leave you alone.” He starts scrowling even more after my statement.

“I don’t care what Lo said. If you don’t leave my property in the next ten seconds then I will call the police for harassment and breaking and entering.”

“You can’t be serious! Your husband invited me inside, so I would hardly classify this under B&E.”

“Yeah well, this isn’t Logan’s house. It’s mine and I don’t want you here. So leave, but don’t worry, I won’t tell L that you aren’t here as long as you won’t, ‘kay?” With that he tries to close the door before loosing his footing and falling downwards. Roman manages to catch him in just the last second.

“Let me go!”

“In a few seconds panic at the everywhere. Let me help you over to the couch at least before sending me away.”

“I can do that myself!” But even thought he complains, Virgil still lets himself be steered more or less by Roman. They reach the couch and Virgil let’s himself slump into it immediately as if he just finished a marathon. Roman stands before him cautiously. How could a grown man, nearly the same height as him, weight so little?

Virgil takes a few minutes to catch his breath and tuck himself more under his blanket, is he cold? It’s far too hot in here already!, before glaring at him again.

“You can leave now.” Really? Rude!

“What? Not even a thank you for your knight in shining armor?” If anything he scrowls even harder after this.

“Thank you. So much. What a brave hero, a true prince Charming. Can you leave me alone now?” Impressive how dry he could say all that. The desert could get a few tips from him!

“Why do you have to make things so difficult for me?! It’s not as if I asked to come here and look after you, you know? I would much rather do anything else.”

“Then go do it.”

“I would if I could! Do you have any idea what your dear husband is capable of?!” Here he actually starts looking uncomfortable.

“We don’t really talk about his job. Plausible deniability and all that you know?” That... actually makes a lot of sense. Damn.

“Well, lets just say that I won’t exactly be able to walk around or do whatever I want ever again should I leave you now. So yes, please call the police if you want me gone so badly because I assure you that I will be better of in prison than with Logos.” He flinches even harder at that name and looks guilty at him. He’s sure at this point that he can just hope for a quick death by his boss’s hand when Virgil’s voice stops him.

“Take a shower.”

“Excuse me?”

“You can stay but take a shower and change your clothes at least.” The audacity!

“Excuse _you_! I have taken a shower just this morning and these clothes are fresh as well!” He just rolls his eyes at this.

“I’m not saying that you stink, just to take a shower and use the soap to get as many bacteria off of you as possible. My immune system is basically as good as gone since my last chemo and I really don’t need to play with luck.” Oh, that puts things a little more into perspective. Virgil isn’t just sick so that his husband wants someone to take care of him.

He is dying.


	3. Bonding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman and Virgil get to know each other a bit more.

Roman is currently questioning all of his life choices while knee deep into his boss’s closet. He, of course, hadn’t taken any cloths with him to the Sanders house because why would he? Now here he was. He had taken a shower like Virgil demanded and gone into their bedroom to find something to wear.

He wasn’t allowed to wear Virgil’s clothes because they were apparently either too small for him, true, or extra oversized comfort clothes that were just meant for Virgil himself. He told him to take Logan’s clothes because he was Logan’s guest after all. It felt weird but what else was he supposed to do? He couldn’t wear his own clothes again before washing them, Virgil’s were off limits and sitting around naked would probably be the worst mistake he could make.

So now he was looking into the depths of Logan Sanders closet and was beginning to see him in a completely new light. He really wasn’t sure how he would ever be able to recover from finding his frightening boss’s unicorn onesie. In the end he found a simple pair of sweatpants and a shirt that fit him but still, a weird feeling.

He goes back to Virgil after he finishes dressing up only to find him fast asleep on the couch in front of the tv. It is a truly adorable sight and he would take a picture if he wasn’t afraid that his host would wake up and beat him up. Not that there was any true danger coming from Virgil. He looks and feels as if he would lose a fight against a middle schooler at the moment. The only true danger lies in him either calling his husband and complaining about Roman or emotional scars from his sharp tongue.

So their new normal begins. Virgil sleeps, Roman wakes him up and tries to get him to eat, he sometimes succeeds, Virgil watches tv again or texts someone or writes some kind of letter that he soon balls up and throws away into the trashcan before falling asleep. Roman does everything he can think of to keep busy and sometimes manages to get Virgil involved into a conversation or discussion.

He soon finds out that he and Virgil get along quite well if Virgil isn’t in pain at the moment or annoyed by being woken up. He would even consider the two of them friends. They share a lot of interests and even if their opinions differ quite a lot, the discussions are surprisingly fun. He becomes happier with his new job from day to day.

He actually gets the courage to ask Virgil about the relationship between him and his husband on the ninth day. Virgil stares at him a moment and he panics and thinks that he crossed a line before Virgil talks.

“Why do you want to know?”

“I’m... not quite sure. I suppose I’m just curious?” Virgil looks weirdly at him.

“Just curious? No ulterior motive?”

“What could I possibly gain from the knowledge of how you met your husband?” He thinks for a minute before apparently deciding Roman to be trustworthy. Well, he at least assumes so as he begins talking.

“I was diagnosed pretty early on. About nineteen, twenty years ago? Hard to say. Anygay, I was diagnosed and promptly put into the hospital to be treated. But the hospital was overbooked at that time so that I had to share a room with a boy who had, somehow, managed to break both his arms while reading a book. Don’t ask me how, I have no idea and never got a real answer out of him. Anyway, like you probably assumed, that boy was Logan. We were both around ten at the time, didn’t have many friends and would need to stay awhile in the hospital. We became fast friends. I didn’t really get much visitors outside of my family, especially my older brother, and Logan didn’t get any visitors outside of one dude of his class that brought him homework once a week. I think I saw his parents maybe thrice in the four weeks he was there.

He got out sooner then I did, of course, because my chemo was already starting to cause difficulties while his arms healed wonderfully. I assume that I would never see him again because why would I? Even my friends from before had stopped visiting me, as if I had some kind of contagious disease. But Logan was different.

He came every day to tell me about something that happened in his school or something he learned, to sit with me and listen to my boring stories or to just sit together in silence while we both did our own thing. I always treasured these moments more than any other visitor because I was so sure that each time would be the last time. But it never was.

He came over for years and if I wasn’t in the hospital then he would come over to my house with a two hour long bus drive or at least a video chat. Logan stuck with me for some reason that I never could understand, still can’t some day’s...”

Roman really, had no idea what to say to that. He had asked for their story but he definitely hadn’t expected this. He doesn’t know what he thought, but not something so... precious? Special? He doesn’t even know what to call it. He hadn’t even thought his boss capable of feelings until a few weeks ago and to learn that they went this deep? Chilling.

“That was a marvelous love story my friend! I must admit to being a little jealous, with you clearly having found the love of your life in each other!” Here Virgil seems to begin looking a little grim or guilty? Why? Before Roman could change the subject, Virgil already reacted.

“I’m tired. Talking for so long really took a number on me. Could you maybe leave me alone for a bit?” Roman takes a cautious step backwards at Virgil’s words, he normally doesn’t let him know about feeling ill or tired, rather tries to hide it...

“If that is what you want... You know to call me if something is going on, right?” Virgil just snuggles more into his pillow nest, avoiding eye contact.

“Sure, I’ll call if something comes up. Just so you don’t freak out, my brother will come over tomorrow. He has a key so no worries.” Why doesn’t Virgil look at him while saying that? And why didn’t he say so earlier?

“Thank you for your gracious warning Stormcloud.”

“No problem Princey.”


	4. The Visitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil’s brother comes to see him, but why is Logan so concerned about that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings in the end notes because they spoil the chapter.

Roman starts the next day just as the ones before. He stands up, gets dressed, makes breakfast and was just on his way towards his host to try to get him to eat at least something, honestly it’s as if he wants to look like a walking skeleton, when he sees movements out of the corner of his eye.

He reacts before even thinking, especially after seeing that vague shape move towards a still sleeping Virgil. He slams right into the person, a man? At least based on body shape but one should never assume such a thing, and pushes him against the next wall face first. A little harder than needed perhaps, going by his bleeding nose, but effective.

The man starts struggling against him and cursing him out but Roman remains firm in his hold, no intruder was going to harm his charge! Not on his watch. The commotion seems to be louder than Roman had assumed given that it has even managed to awaken Virgil from his death like sleep. He sits up groggily and tries to take the scene in.

“What the fuck, Princey? Could you be any louder?”

“My apologies, my sleepy Soundcloud, but it seeps we have an intruder in our midst!”

“A what?” Virgil seems to wake up a bit more after that and really take it all in. He seems less thankful than Roman would have hoped, more unamused. “Janus?”

Roman was just about to ask what his friend was talking about when the intruder answers.

“While I know how much you appreciate your sleep, hiring a bodyguard to keep anyone from waking you up seems a bit excessive, don’t you think?”

“What the- Roman let him go!”, “But Virgil-”, “NOW!”

He grumpily let’s go of the man, getting a good look for the first time. He is wearing rather fancy clothes, better than your typical bulger and seems oddly familiar. He looks rather posh, if you ignore the roughed up appearance from the struggle and the bloody nose. The stranger is doing his best to straighten out his suit.

“Much obliged. Thank you _so much_ for the warm welcome, truly a pleasure. I feel so loved.” Virgil just looks annoyed.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry Princey can get a bit much. I’m pretty sure he has a good explanation for attacking you after I told him yesterday that _my brother_ would come over to avoid this.” Oh, right... Virgil did mention that. To be honest Roman had been so preoccupied with thinking about his strange behavior that he had completely forgotten about this...

Virgil’s brother seems to sense his forgetfulness but thankfully doesn’t say anything except to ask for a tissue for his still bleeding nose. Please don’t let it be broken, he has no idea how much his boss cares for his brother in law but he probably wouldn’t like Roman injuring any member of his family. The brothers start bickering soon enough with each other. Roman just sits there and listens in for a few moments. He learns after a few minutes that the man is apparently named Janus, the one originally supposed to look after Virgil until Logan appointed Roman and very much annoyed by that.

He himself got quite confused as well, why hire a not very good known employee when a family member, that appears to have a good enough relationship with his brother, offered?

Roman is pulled out of his musing, and away from watching the spectacle of Virgil and Janus negotiating blanket rights and couch space with each other, by his phone ringing. He is very tempted to just ignore it to continue watching the two squabble until he sees the caller id. Terror Boss. Darn! He hastily makes his way into the next room to take the call.

“Yes, hello sir.”

“Good morning Roman, I hope I am no interrupting anything of importance?”

“Of course not.”

“Good. I am calling to inquire about the status of Virgil’s health.”

“He is well! Well, not well-well but well concerning the circumstances. He is sleeping a lot.”

“That is... acceptable news I suppose. Is he eating though?” Only if Roman forces him to by practically shoving it down his throat.

“Now and then.”

“Is that all that is going on? Eating and sleeping?” He doesn’t sound surprised, as if he didn’t expect more.

“For the most part, although he seems a little livelier now that his brother came over for a visit.” There is a long enough silence from Logan’s end of the line that Roman checks if he had hung up on him.

“Janus is there? Since when?” Wow, ok he apparently is one of those husbands that don’t get along with their extended family...

“He arrived just a few minutes ago, they are currently in the other room and-”

“You left them alone?!” Why so panicked?

“... Should I not have?”

“Listen carefully Roman. I want you to not leave them alone from now on. Stay in the room or at least keep them in your direct line of sight as long as Janus is there. Is that clear?”

“Cristal.”

“Good, in that case I will return to work and leave you to your duty’s. Have a good day, farewell.” And that is the last he says before hanging up. Rude. What even is his problem? Why get so paranoid all of a sudden? He didn’t have a problem with Virgil being on his own before so why now. Well, the problem seems to be less Virgil and more his brother.

No matter what, best to keep an eye out before he loses it.

So that is how he comes to spend the rest of his day spying on the other two residents. They don’t do much, mostly laying on the couch together, talking and complaining about whatever soap is running at that moment.

He sneaks around until evening. Janus has been eyeing him for a while by now and seems to see this as the perfect opportunity to question Roman after Virgil has fallen asleep on him not too long ago.

“Tell me Roman, why do you believe that my dear brother in law was oh so afraid to leave me unsupervised with my brother? And why would Virgil react quite so much at being given a babysitter? It of course isn’t somewhat he enjoys but he has become used to unwanted company over the years. He normally just ignores any unwanted presences by no.” That is actually a good question. Why would Logan want Roman to look after his husband? An employee, yes, but not a very high ranging one and Janus obviously doesn’t have a problem with staying with his brother so the problem couldn’t be getting afraid that Virge would grow lonely...

Why did he sound so truly afraid when he warned Roman not to leave Virgil alone with his brother? Janus clearly loves him if their interactions are anything to go by, he even has a key for Christ’s sake! No one would give someone a key to their house when they were afraid of them! Janus would obviously never do anything to harm Virgil....

At least, nothing that Virgil didn’t _want_...

Dear Disney...

“Logan wanted me to be here to make sure that you don’t help Virgil commit suicide.”

“My, Roman. It seems that you do know how to use that brain of yours, I’m impressed, it didn’t take you as long as I thought it would.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Talk about assisted suicide of a terminally ill person.
> 
> The Death-with-Dignity act is a real law in some states of the USA.


	5. The Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman came to a conclusion and now has to decide how he is going to react.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings in the end notes again.

He couldn’t progress it, he can’t even get his thoughts in order enough to think about this.

“But, he you, you can’t just... murder is illegal!” Yeah Roman notices how stupid that argument is as soon as he says it. He doesn’t need Janus to make him feel inadequate for his line of reasoning! But he will of course say his opinion no matter how much Roman might wish otherwise....

“Oh Roman, thank god you told me that now! Here I went through life completely clueless about any and all social norms or the knowledge of even the most basics of laws! You truly managed to _finally_ push everything into perspective.” He seems to notice Roman’s death glare but just rolls his eyes before going on, “I’m surprised that _you_ of all people would worry about the legality of a thing like this.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“Oh, I don’t know, who do you work for again? The biggest crime boss in the city? Or is that just a huge, terrible misunderstanding? I’m sure you still have a west as white as freshly fallen snow...” Well, he got him there. Roman has started doing a lot of questionable things since he started working for Logan. In Zeus’s name, he watched the man shoot someone point blank and then got rid of the body the last time he was here!

“That is different! My moral compass may be a little, maladjusted, but that doesn’t mean that I condone the murder of my friend via fratricide!”

“Tell me, have you ever heard something about the death with dignity act that is implemented into the legal system of five states? Washington being one of them.”

“The what?”

“Truly, the educational system in this country... The death with dignity act is a law that allows assisted suicide of terminally ill patients under certain conditions through a doctor. All of which Virgil qualifies for.” Roman had not known that. That was a real thing?!

“But... You’re not a doctor?” A pretty lame excuse but really, what was Roman supposed to say? He just found out about this and didn’t have time to prepare himself beforehand. He was always taught that suicide isn’t the answer, that there always is another way for whatever someone is going through and in most cases that is undeniably true but... in this one? Virgil is sick, he would have to be deaf, blind and incredibly stupid to not know that but he also knew from the beginning that Virgil is dying. He doesn’t have much longer and it is clear from his behavior, his unwillingness to eat, how much time he spends sleeping and the number of painkillers he takes that don’t seem to make any difference that he is in agony.

His friend is in pain and dying, shouldn’t he be allowed to go with as much dignity and little pain as possible.

“Yes, me not being a doctor would really put a stop to this. Luckily I have connections to a few less than legal people that managed to get me the exact medicament that a hospital would use.” Roman really doesn’t have a good reason anymore and he doesn’t really want one anyway. It is not his or Logan’s or Janus’s decision, it’s Virgil’s. Janus stares at his sleeping brother and starts stroking his hair absentmindedly.

“This was a long time coming, you know? Virgil told me that you know when he was diagnosed but I don’t believe he went into too much detail. These past years have been incredibly hard. Nearly every step was a struggle but he held on. He held on when he first got the diagnose and fought like a champion. He eventually got the result a few years later that he had won and beaten the sickness, it was the most radiant and exhilarated I had ever seen him and the happies I had ever felt. Only to be even more crushed when he told me the news a little bit later that the doctors had been wrong and the cancer was back. It went on for a good while like this, good news followed by devastating ones.” Janus takes a few seconds to seemingly compose himself.

“He held on much longer than anyone could have hoped for. He tried and tried and tried to keep winning a game that was stacked against him from the very beginning. He tried every study and every new medicament that could help him. I am genuinely grateful towards Logan for giving him this opportunity. My brother would have been gone a long time ago if he hadn’t intervened and used his money and influence to help him. I believe that is why Virgil went on as long as he did. We all saw this end coming a long time ago. I said goodbye to my brother more times than I care to count and I know he made his peace with this. Logan is the only one who doesn’t want to accept the inevitable. He doesn’t want to hear anything about it and just acts as if he can do anything to stop it.

I would applaud him for his love and loyalty towards my brother if it didn’t force his pain to go on for longer than it would have to. Logan can’t accept reality because he doesn’t _have_ anything but this desperate wish for a happy ending and Virgil goes along because he loves him...” The two of them remain quiet for a long time after Janus finishes speaking. They just sit there and let the words repeat in their heads.

“But, how do you know that Virgil doesn’t want to go on?! Maybe he still has some fight left in him!” Roman knows that this is a fruitless endeavor but he doesn’t want to face reality either. He doesn’t want to think about the possibility that this wonderful, sarcastic, sharp witted disaster of an emo nightmare that he met just a few weeks ago may not be there in the morning anymore. Though this seems to be the wrong thing towards Janus who probably heard this speech a thousand times before.

“Yes, because I totally decided this alone and didn’t speak with Virgil through _at all_.” The biting snark, that seems to be a family trait, is back in his voice. He is getting defensive and Roman is just thinking about how to calm him down, when a tired voice sounds out.

“Don’t let all of your aggressions out on Princey, Dee. He didn’t do anything; he’s just grown attached for whatever reason.” It seems that Virgil has woken up again.

“Well, I can’t blame him for that. It’s truly hard not to fall for your _charming personality._ ” The sarcasm can be heard clearly by everyone, even if Roman has a feeling that Janus does mean what he says. It’s hard not to grow attached to Virgil after spending some time with him... Virgil apparently sees it similarity and starts smirking.

“Whatever you say. Listen Ro I’ve been ears dropping for a while now, sorry but whatever, and I really know what I want. Jay and I have talked a lot about this as well as me and my doctors. We all agree that there is nothing more we can do. I’ve tried talking to L but he changes the subject every time and I can’t argue with him anymore. I don’t have the strength anymore and I really don’t want to. So please, just leave and let J and me handle the rest”

“But are you sure that-”, “Yes. Whatever you want to say, I heard it before, believe me. I’ll be dying soon anyway and I really would like to end it now before it gets worse. I also don’t want Logan to be there when it happens, he wouldn’t manage it.” How could Roman even try to get him to change his mind? He obviously had planned this for a long time and he really had no right to choose his fate for him.

“Don’t you at least want to wait until Logan comes back?! Don’t you want to say goodbye?” Is he beginning to sound a tad desperate? Mayhaps but he doesn’t know what else to say.

“I’ve said goodbye more times than I can count. So often and it just ended the same way. If I wait for Logan then he will convince me to not do it, to keep trying and I can’t do that anymore. I’ve been trying for years now and I’m so fucking tired. I wrote him a letter and made a video in which I said goodbye. That has to be enough.” So that was the thing Virge wrote again and again.

“I just... don’t want to say goodbye.”

“I’m really sorry that you got pulled into this mess, I tried to not bond with anyone anymore. If it makes it any better, I really enjoyed your company, thanks for that Princey.”

“You are more than welcome Stormcloud.”

“You should go now.”

“What? Why?” Here Janus starts taking over again.

“You really don’t want to be here, we are ready and want to bring it to it’s end. If you really want to help you can bring me my bag with the syringe and the medicine.” He looks over towards a non-threatening bag leaning on the wall. It looks as boring as any other bag, not as if it contains a deadly medicine.

“I’ll give it to you and not try anything to stop this on one condition.”

“And that would be?” One deep breath.

“I’m gonna be the one to set the shot. Not you.” Both grow quiet after his statement. Neither Virgil or Janus say a word for a while.

“Why?” Such a simple question...

“Because there is a difference between watching your brother die and bringing death by your own hand. There is a reason doctors normally do this sort of thing. I won’t stop the act itself but I won’t allow for this act to rest upon your conscience Janus.” Janus musters him for a bit while Virgil looks nervously between them.

“And there is nothing I can say to persuade you against this idea?”

“Nope, nothing at all. It’s either this or I’ll call an ambulance.”

“Very well, if you’re sure.” Roman stands up with this and grabs the bag, feeling much heavier than it should. He brings it over to the couch table and prepares everything according to Janus’s instructions. He looks into Virgil’s eyes before pushing the needle inside.

“Are you absolutely sure about this?” One last reassurance. V looks back steadily.

“Yes.” He pushes in.

They all watch the syringe empty itself and start to wait. It doesn’t take too long before Virgil begins to deflate.

“Thanks, Princey. It meant a lot.” Don’t cry.

“It was my honor. Until we may meet again Stormcloud.”

With that Virgil closes his eyes. It takes a while for his breaths to even out and then stop entirely. Both men watch him the whole time without saying a word. They just watch the thin body take it’s last breath before going still. They sit there for god knows how long before Janus starts speaking.

“Thank you. I appreciate what you did.” Roman somehow manages to swallow past the lump inside of his throat.

“It was of no issue.”

“... I can help you, you know? Logan will not be happy with you, he will see it as a betrayal. I can hide you somewhere his vengeance won’t reach you before he arrives.”

“No thank you.”

“Excuse me?”

“I appreciate the offer but stand for what I did. I fulfilled Virgil’s last wish and I won’t hide away now. He shouldn’t just have to just find his corpse; they both deserve more than that. I will tell him myself and accept the consequences.”

“Don’t be foolish. He will not react rational upon arriving and-”

“I am well aware but my decision is made. I will wait here, tell him what happened and see his reaction through.”

“You are a moron.” Still, Janus makes no more effort to discourage him from his plan, either he doesn’t care enough or he sees that it’s a hopeless endeavor. They stay together until nearly sunrise when Janus dislodges himself from his brother, whispers a few words of goodbye and love to him and leaves.

Roman stays exactly where he is until he can hear the keys turning in the lock and Logan opens the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: assisted suicide, major character death
> 
> I also want to say that this is a topic that I have thought a lot about because of personal reasons and illnesses within my family. I decided to write this fanfiction to process some things and imagine what could have been if assisted suicide was legal in my home country and if the person this was inspired by didn't have to struggle the way they did and could have taken that option.  
> This is not meant to advise or praise suicide in any shape or form under normal circumstances because I don't believe it to be a good solution for anyone involved, but in some cases it can be a blessing. Like in the case of a terminal illness with no chance of recovery.  
> Family members and loves ones of dying people can react wildly different. Some accept it and want the suffering to stop for their loved one while others desperatly hope for a solution or a miracle in times of need. Both options are valid and used as a coping mechanism for something outside of their control.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos are as always very much appreciated.


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